Cinfulcinnamon's Blog

The Wide-Awake Dream

Posted on: January 31, 2010

     This is a story that happened to me one evening while I was driving home from work. It quite nearly took my breath away. It felt so very real. By the time that I got pulled over to the side of the road, my face was drenched in tears, and my heart was pounding in my chest. Just goes to show you what the mind can make you feel.

     I had one of those wide awake dreams. If you’ve never had one….it’s hard to explain. Sometimes I will have one as a kind of premonition. Gawd, I hope this wasn’t one of them. I was on a stretch of I-75 in a light assed truck with some rain coming down. Construction all over of course. If you are wondering why I’m writing this down for all the world to see, I will have to tell you a little warm up story. And as always, relates back to my Dad.  He was my hero. He also died almost 3  years and I’m still not over it. Anyway…he was an over the road driver for 38 years before he retired. And in my child’s mind I kept him safe by doing what I called a “talk through”. If a thought came into my head that he was going to have an accident while on the road I would think the entire thing through….all the way up to and including the part where he would die, or be crippled, or whatever. I had convinced myself that by talking the whole accident through….it wouldn’t happen. I don’t know if it worked, but he never had a single accident the time he was alive.

So, that is why I’m going to tell you about this horrible wide awake dream that I had. Hoping like hell that it doesn’t come true. Not that I really believe that it would…but you can never be too careful right?

In my dream, I was in a car accident. It wasn’t my fault, but nonetheless there I was. There were paramedics on the scene, cops all over the place, the fire department, lookie lous, the works. I had awaken after the initial crash only to find myself pinned in the wreckage. No one was doing anything. They were all just standing there. They had already taken the asshole that caused the wreck away. He wasn’t hurt very bad. When I looked around and saw that no one was trying to cut me out of this car I noticed that a very handsome paramedic was down on one knee and was looking in the car at me. He smiled at me when I looked at him, and I remember thinking what beautiful blue eyes he had. But there was something wrong. It was very quiet and I noticed that everyone had become aware of the fact that I was now awake. The paramedic took my hand and he just held it for a minute. I asked him how long was it going to take for them to get me out of the car. That’s when he told me that there was a problem. This next part is right out of a show I saw on t.v. Not to mention the movie “Signs”. He said that the car had crushed me. That it was very likely that when they used the jaws of life to pull the metal back, that I would die. The wreckage itself was holding the pressure on my lower body and basically keeping me alive. I knew that I wasn’t really in pain, and I wondered about that, but all I could do was say to him, “Gosh, that’s not good is it?”. He had a tear in his eye at this point, and he said that no it wasn’t. I asked him how long he thought I had. He didn’t know, but thought that I had about 15 minutes until something would happen and I would die there. He gave me the choice to take the 15 minutes or to try for a rescue. I thought about it and then I bravely said (at least I thought it was brave) that I didn’t want to see anyone upset when they couldn’t save me, so I would take the 15 minutes. I asked for my cell phone, or someone’s so that I could make two phone calls. Mine was within reach so he gave me mine, and then stepped away to give me some privacy.

The first call, I made to my brother Jim. It was the afternoon, and I knew he would be asleep because he is also a truck driver and he drives at night just like our Dad did. I told his wife Donna that it was me, and I calmly asked her to wake Jimmy that it was an emergency and to get him a pad of paper and a pen. I was very calm about it. She immediately took the phone to my brother who was in the process of getting up anyway. I said, ” Jim, this is your big sister. I don’t have much time and I have a few things for you to write down”. I told him the circumstances and I knew that I could trust him not to get hysterical like my Mom or sisters would have done if I’d called them. He asked me what to write. Here is the list that I gave him:

Call my sister Dee Dee. Tell her to go to my house and get my son. And to bring him to my Mother’s house before they tell him what had happened. To tell him how much I loved him and that I was sorry that I wouldn’t be there to see him become the man that I knew he would be.

My Mom died earlier this year, but in my dream, she was still alive and living at their house. I told Jim to tell our Mother that I love her very much. It was an honor to be her daughter and that I was sorry for any pain I had caused her. I was going to be with my Dad….wherever that was. But that I would look for everyone that we knew.

I wanted to have my funeral at Walkers. The same place as my Dad. The music was a special song by Dan Fogelberg, and one from Loggins and Messina, and one by Allyson Kraus. I wanted people to get up and tell something funny that I had done to them while they knew me. I told him I was sorry that I didn’t have any life insurance, and that somehow the family was going to have to bury me or burn me or something. I had just started my new job, and I didn’t have any kind of coverage yet. I could hear him choking up at this point. I told him I was proud of him, that he was a good man, had always been a good family man and that I loved him. At this point, I had to ask the nice looking paramedic to come back over so that I would know where they would take me when it was over. Then I told Jim that I had another phone call to make and that I was starting to feel light headed, so I’d better go. I said not to worry and I hung up.

Then I pushed another button on my phone. It went to voicemail. I was a little glad of that though. I don’t think I could have borne hearing that voice and knowing that I’d never see that person again. I only said that I loved them, wanted only the best for them and that I hoped life would give them all the good things. And I said that I loved them…something I would now never get to do again.  But I thought, hey I’m the one dying here, I’ll say what I want to…and they can’t stop me. The phone started to beep because they were calling me back. That usually happened when I would call anyhow, but this time I ignored it. I’d left my message like the recording said to do and I was done. I closed my phone and hung up.

I called the nice paramedic over and told him I wasn’t feeling well. (an understatement of course). He took my hand again and asked if I wanted something for pain. I said, ” Yes, a lot of it thank you”. He went to his truck to get something for me. I looked around at all the solemn people standing there and then my eye caught sight of a familiar blue truck drivers hat and white t-shirt. It was my Dad. Standing in the crowd. But he was smiling. And he could talk again (they had taken his voice box when he had cancer). And he started singing this old John Denver song that he and I would sing together sometimes….Take Me Home Country Road. And I started singing with him. I didn’t take my eyes from him because I had missed him so much and wanted to hug him so bad. I felt the needle go into my arm and then Dad and I walked away holding hands.

     I’ve used this dream many times to remind myself to tell someone that I loved them when they were walking out the door. Even if I’m mad at them at the time. I still hear a joke, or see something on t.v. that makes me want to call my Daddy on the phone and tell him about it. We must never forget the ones that we love. I changed my name so that I would always think of him every time someone says my name, or asks me how I got it.  And this is all I have today…

peace

Cinnamon

 

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Goofy Me

I am: an Air Force vet, Mom, sister, friend, Lifestyler, and all-around smartass with a heart of gold. I have lived all over the far East and learned many things about people and cooking, art and true value. I like to share my experience with the rest of the world. I will be the most loyal friend or most annoying enemy you've ever known. Honest to a fault. My life has not always been easy, but it has never ever been boring.

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