Cinfulcinnamon's Blog

~~How to say “No Thank You”~~

Posted on: March 2, 2010

     Rejection.  We all hate it. Giving it as well as receiving it can be a real buzz-kill.  So, how do we as lifestylers say no thank you to someone who may be interested in us?  Or better yet, how about some help when we are told no thank you.  There are so many damn factors that come into play when you find yourself in a swingers situation that it is hard sometimes to know what to do.  Unless you are a “sport fucker” or “bed notcher” you may get lost in the shuffle, and miss signals that could possibly have led to some adult fun.  I will do my best here to cover the possible scenarios, but trust me…as soon as you read this,  a occassion will come up that none of this info will help.  It’s the Murphy Law of Swinging.  And I have a list of those that I’ve made myself for the end of this blog.

    Let’s first start with hearing No Thank You.  How well do you handle it?  If you receive the turn down in an email, or text, or IM, or some other form of writing response.  Before you jump the gun and fire something off that could be rude or unkind…take a deep breath.  And try to remember one thing IF you were really interested in the person that has just shot you down.  Of course you are hurt and disappointed.  Even if it was just for some “fun”, no one likes to get told no.  You had interest in this person or couple and they have told you no.  Ok.  So, your initial impression must have been based on something.  Was it just their looks?  Well, then, just thank them and move on.  Pretty bodies are everywhere.  Was it because they seemed nice in a profile or some other written description of themselves?  That’s a little harder.  You must have thought that you would “click” with this person or couple.  Why don’t they like you?  The reasons could be many.  And for them it could have been anything from your profile, to distance, to social habits (smoking, condom wear) or any number of things.  At this point, it doesn’t matter.  Try to remember that they have taken the time to write you back and give you an answer.  Not the one you wanted, but still an answer.  So, they are STILL the nice person or couple that you thought they were.  Courtesy goes miles and miles farther than looks IMO.  And if you are a courtesy nut like I am, it softens the blow of being turned down.  The best thing to do is thank them and move on.  But don’t take it personally.  Yes, it just happened to you personally, but they really don’t know you.  For whatever reason, they just didn’t have the same hope or expectation that you did for meeting.  And it’s ok… Really. Move on, there are plenty of people who you can write too.  The ones that I hate are the people who “cast the big net”.  The ones that send the canned responses.  The ones that don’t even bother to change their response from one that they would send to a couple or a single.  Dead give-a-way words? ” would love to meet YOU GUYS…and you’re a single”… LOL   I don’t think they even deserve that polite response. Just move on.

     The in-person turn down is the worse. And again, it depends on how it is presented.  And how you asked.  Hopefully, you didn’t just overwhelm the person/couple you are interested in.  Was alcohol a factor?  That can give us some liquid courage, but sometimes the trade-off for that courage can be our tactfulness.  And that may be why you get the turn down.  Have you spent any time with the folks you are interested in?  Or swoop in like a bird of prey?  At some point, you will know if there is an attraction.  If you are laughing and smiling more than there are the dreaded pregnant pauses.  So, what happens when the evening has been going good, lots of smiles and laughter, you think that you really mesh with your intended playmates…and you politely ask (in whatever lingo you use) the big question.  And they say no.  Do you huff off?  Do you feel like you’ve been hit in the gut?  What now?  How do you recover the good time that you were having?  Knowing in the back of your mind that you aren’t going to get to play with them? Hmmmm….. The best strategy that I’ve heard is this one.   And I’ve actually used it.  Take a big breath and let out a sigh.  (it’s now time to lie).  Say something to the effect of: ” Whew… I’m so glad that is out of the way.  Now we can help each other score some action.  It’s great to hunt in a pack”.  Something like that.  It will make them laugh.  Put them back at ease and then, when you see someone else across the room that you’d like to take a chance on, you can wink at the folks you’ve been talking to and let them know you’re on your way to try your luck.  And no one will be offended or hurt.  Now, of course I don’t know if anything like that would work for you.  I’ve always used humor all my life.  But that is because it’s very important to me not to hurt anyone’s feelings.  I am ultra sensitive sometimes myself.  So that has always been a priority with me.  Always leave the person at least with their dignity.  Now here is MY Murphy’s Lifestyle Laws

1)  If you/you and your SO (significant other) have planned to NOT play for the evening……you will meet the person/couple of your dreams.

2)  If you/you and SO have planned to play, have met the person/couple of your dreams…..the woman will be out of commission for the night.

3)  If you/you and SO have met the couple/person of your dreams and you have a hotel room ready to go after you leave the party/club that you’re at…..the other person/couples sitter will call and they have to leave.

4)  Same as number 3 except……..YOUR sitter calls and you have to leave.

5)  If you have your eye on someone(s) at a club or party, you’re getting up your nerve to go talk to them, and you are anticipating how great it might be….another single/couple swoops in and grabs their attention and they go off to a corner to get to know each other better.

6)  You are stuck talking to someone who you are totally uninterested in, you wish they would just go away, and then you finally excuse yourself to go to the bathroom or to get a drink….you come back and they are talking to the most gorgeous single/couple in the room. (see #5)

     I hope some/any of this will help.  Just always always always assume the best about people, until they give you reason to think otherwise.




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Goofy Me

I am: an Air Force vet, Mom, sister, friend, Lifestyler, and all-around smartass with a heart of gold. I have lived all over the far East and learned many things about people and cooking, art and true value. I like to share my experience with the rest of the world. I will be the most loyal friend or most annoying enemy you've ever known. Honest to a fault. My life has not always been easy, but it has never ever been boring.

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