Cinfulcinnamon's Blog

I Remember Mama

Posted on: May 2, 2010

     There was a movie made in 1948 called “I Remember Mama” starring Irene Dunne and Barbara Bel Geddes and some other people. For an old movie, I liked it very much.  It actually has nothing to do with today’s blog though…lol

     I’m sitting here at home with a sun-burned nose, home from a ride on the Harley with the husband, thinking about my Mom.  She died one year ago today.  I was with her and consider myself lucky in that regard.  My Mom had COPD and all the complications that are associated with it.  My sister and her husband had taken care of my Dad while he was ill until his death from cancer, and they were also there for my Mom.  Occasionally, she would give my sister and her husband a break from all the nursing care that they gave her by checking herself either into the hospital so that she could build her strength up a bit and return home, or towards the end, she would do the same thing and check herself into the hospice center.  For some reason, I decided to stay with her the night before she died.  She’d waved goodbye to my sis and said she’d see her on Saturday.  Well, that didn’t happen.  She died Saturday morning around 6.  And like I said, I was fortunate to be with her.  I got to whisper in her ear as she left this earth that I loved her and that I was so happy that she was getting to go be with my Dad.  She had never gone to visit Dad at the mausoleum after he died.  She said she just never had the heart or strength to go see him, even though it was only about 3 blocks away from where they lived.  It wasn’t such a long wait for her to join him though.  Less than three years.

     My Mom was a nut.  In all the good ways.  She had a wonderful sense of play and loved us 4 kids.  She especially was a great source of education and fun for the grandkids.  All of them benefitted from the games and stories that she would teach them  There isn’t a day care center on Earth that could have shown more care and love than she did to our children.  My son was the youngest of the 5 grandchildren, and she wasn’t always well enough to play with him the way she did the others, but he still misses her and talks about all the things they did together.

     On the other hand, she and I had our oil and water moments over the years.  She too, was a frustrated writer…..just like me. She was a very shy and backward woman, although she could have been anything she wanted to be.  She was quite honestly, a beautiful woman in her youth and mature years.  But she was hindered by her shyness and was also resentful of it.  She lived vicariously through her children.  At times proud of me for all the places that I went while in the service, and yet also jealous and resentful of the same.  There were so many things that she had wanted to do, and yet could never take the first step. I loved her, and wanted to please her and yet usually fell short.  Of all the things that I was proud of in my life; the service awards, the writing prizes, the promotions, all that stuff……she said she was most proud of the fact that I was a good mother.  I can appreciate that compliment now, but at the time, it was somewhat of a letdown.  If you ask me what I loved about my Dad, I can look skyward and smile and rattle off a list  a mile long.  We were that close.  And I have felt guilty this last year because I thought I should be just as sad, and just as hurt about my Mom’s passing and yet am not.  I’d like to think that it’s because I know that she is no longer suffering.  That now she’s with Dad, wherever that is. It’s not that I don’t miss her because I do. We shared some things that I know the other 3 of my siblings could never have had with her.  I was her firstborn.  She got to make all the mistakes on me learning how to be a mother.  But she also dressed me like a dollbaby when I was little.  She showered me with attention.  And learned, much to her dismay that I was somewhat of a loner and didn’t require a lot of attention.  I preferred to be alone and inside my own head.  But she also learned to use that too.  She saw that I had a creative streak, and she nurtured that.  And encouraged it and thereby got to express her own creativity through me.  I always got A’s on school projects because she loved to help me with them.  She’s the one that taught all of us our love of animals.  On the farm, she was the one that nursed the baby animals, and taught us to respect nature.  She cried with us when one of our calves or baby pigs would die.  When the other kids were outside, she and I would make our “secret” sandwich.  Which was just a grilled swiss cheese on rye…..but it was just for us two.  When I was pregnant with my son, we would get together and watch the X-files together.  And when O.J. Simpson did the Bronco car chase in L.A. we were glued to the t.v.  Oh, and don’t even talk about the trial.  I was living in Georgia at the time, but we talked on the phone every evening about it.

     She was sneaky too….LOL  I think that thrift stores invented the color code system and non-removable price tags because of Mom.  If she didn’t think something was worth what they had it marked as, she had no qualms about changing the ticket.  How she justified it I will never know, but she could.  And yet if someone needed something she would make it happen.  I can’t speak for the other kids, but she bailed me out more times than I can remember.  Not from jail….oh heavens no.  If I’d gone to jail, she would have been the first one to say, “Let her stay there”.  But all of us knew that if we really needed help with money, or food, or anything, we could count on her.  You had to be prepared to take the lecture, but you could always count on the help.

     I do miss my Mom today.  I miss her at very odd times.  When my son does something that I think she’d like to hear about.  Or if I write something that I’m especially proud of.  She really liked my short stories.  The ones I wrote with children in mind were her favorites.  And when I go to a Chinese restaurant.  I would take a few extra crab rangoon and drop them off at her house because she loved them so.  When I see a fat baby I think of how she would love to kiss the back of their necks.  And puppies.  She loved them too.  Her idea of housebreaking one was to wait for it to start to pee and run and put the newspaper under its butt.  That used to drive my Dad nuts….LOL  But he would always laugh too.  They used to kid each other and try to decide who was going to be “on top” when they were put into their mausoleum drawers.  Mom was surprised when they opened it up in ’06 for Dad.  They were end to end instead of stacked.  She started crying, but then laughed and said, “Well, now I guess I have to smell your father’s feet for eternity”. 

     Yes, today I really do miss my Mama.  I’m on a pretty strict diet these days, but I wonder if it would really hurt that much if I had a grilled swiss on rye?  Because that was our secret, special treat.

love you Mom,

peace,

Cinnamon

    

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Goofy Me

I am: an Air Force vet, Mom, sister, friend, Lifestyler, and all-around smartass with a heart of gold. I have lived all over the far East and learned many things about people and cooking, art and true value. I like to share my experience with the rest of the world. I will be the most loyal friend or most annoying enemy you've ever known. Honest to a fault. My life has not always been easy, but it has never ever been boring.

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