Cinfulcinnamon's Blog

~~When Prayer Doesn’t Work~~

Posted on: August 4, 2010

     I was at 13 minutes 47 seconds on the exercise bike when my husband called to tell me that the results were in from the MRI on grand baby Trevor. 

     This sweet baby was born on Thanksgiving night.  I had just moved down here to Florida a few days before and his birth  seemed like the perfect welcoming gift. Things were wonderful for baby and mother until he developed a brain bleed at five days old.  That was taken care of with surgery.  Not long after that, a tumor was discovered.  This was also removed through surgery and chemotherapy was started.  After living at the hospital for two months an MRI was performed and not only had the tumor and surrounding tissue not been cleansed, but twenty-one new tumors were found.  At this point, chemo was stopped and Mom and baby were sent home for a little recovery time until a new experimental drug was started. There had been some successes with this drug, although one of the downsides was probable liver damage to some degree.   After that was tried, again the two of them came home to rest for a week until the MRI that was to be preformed yesterday. And it was a really good week.  The baby ate like a little pig, he was laughing and happy. 

     I’d been waiting for my husband to call all day.  He’d gone to the hospital to wait with his daughter and son-in-law for the results of the test.  When the phone rang, my foot slipped off the pedal of the exercise bike and it flipped around to bark me on the shin.  As I said, “Ouch” I could tell that the news wasn’t good by my husband’s voice.  The tumors were still there.  They hadn’t grown, but they hadn’t been eradicated either.  The choices that were left were to try the chemo again, try another experimental drug, or to go home and keep the baby comfortable until……

     They’ve decided to take the baby home.  I’m only the step-grandma here, but things like this send so many thoughts and emotions through me.  Mostly anger of course.  Someone that hasn’t even had a chance to live; when there are so many assholes in the world that could leave and we’d never miss them.  You know the feeling. 

     We had just attended the baby and his 4 year old brother’s baptism on Sunday where I took pictures.  I felt compelled to get them developed, and put them in one of those little picture albums for Katie the mother.  I worked all day on making some commemorate bookmarks for her and her mother and the other grandparents.  They were already at the hospital and checked in on Monday waiting for the test on Tuesday morning.  I asked that her husband stop by and pick the pictures and bookmarks up on his way up to the hospital after he was done with work.  For some reason, it was important to me that she have those things.  I wanted her to have something nice.  In my heart I knew the news was going to be bad yesterday.  I’ve always known but never expressed it except to my husband and a close friend.  Now that it’s come to pass, it’s as though we are all deflated balloons of hope.  Trying to be strong and helpful will be on the “to do” list from now on until………  And there is that word again, until.

     I also feel so selfish by my feelings of good fortune.  My son is the picture of health.  At seventeen, the worst thing that has ever happened to him was an attack by fire ants.  I’ve always been extremely healthy myself.  Especially in comparison to the other members of my family.  I sent one of those sappy/sweet text messages to my son yesterday to tell him how much I loved him, and to never take his good health for granted. Friends joke with me all the time about the fact that the only time I go under the knife….is by my choice.  At soon to be 53, I don’t have the aches and pains or illnesses that most my age do.  And although I used to take that for granted, I don’t anymore.  I am blessed, and I know it.

     So, when prayer doesn’t work, and when medicine fails, what is left?  There are so many things in this world that we don’t understand.  So many different people and customs and beliefs.  How do you know when you’ve tried all you can?  Explored every possibility?  I am at a loss here.  I fully admit to having some control issues.  When something is broken, I want to fix it.  When someone needs my help, I won’t rest until they feel better.  I don’t know how to “fix” this.  All I can really do, is be there if they need anything I suppose.  Me, the stepmom and stepgrandma.   

     I don’t want to get that dark blue dress out again.  I’ve only worn it two times in the last 3 years.  And that was at the funerals of my parents.  I lost both of them in such a short amount of time, that there is a numbness that comes over me when I think of death.  I miss them both every day but they had lives.  They lived, and laughed and made love and went places.  Things that this little guy will never get to do.  Now if you’re the religious type; you make yourself feel better by saying things like: ” He’s going back to God”.  That kind of thing is crap !  If God wanted him, he wouldn’t have sent him here.  Was his short visit to give happiness to those he came in contact with?  And then yank it away?  I don’t have any answers, and you can tell that this kind of thing really pisses me off.  But, blabbing about it here helps.  At least for now.  At least until…………..

peace,

Cinnamon

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4 Responses to "~~When Prayer Doesn’t Work~~"

BEST WISHES TO YOUR FAMILY AT THIS TIME … SO SO SORRY JUST READING THIS BREAKS MY HEART..

-BOB IN SEATTLE

I understand how you feel and my prayers go out to you, Trevor, and your entire family. My own grandson faced a moment where he wasn’t expected to live through the night after just being a few days old and you just tend to lose faith in doctors and even God, especially when you’re standing in the NICU. But you still have to believe, Cinn, even in the fact that things happen and maybe they even happen for a reason.

Despite everything, my grandson lived; he’s 18 now and if I had had my faith in God shaken when he fell ill, I had it restored big time… but I still had to prepare myself for the what-if and that’s so hard to do. It’s unfair, it makes no sense, but it is the way it is and if nothing else, you have to accept this or drive yourself to the brink of destruction by continuing to plague yourself with all the what-ifs.

Hang in there, Cinn and tell your family I’m asking them to hang in, keep their faith, and keep hoping for the best.

Cinn, the only comfort (if it can be called that) is to say I’m truly sorry. I don’t know why, but I recall 22 years ago thinking very much the same thoughts you are right now. My then 2 year old niece was to be taken off of life support due to head trauma. I recall thinking…WHY? and HOW? How could life just keep going on? Why doesn’t everyone feel the sadness I felt. Now so many years later, my only rationality is this…life is not always good and perhaps my little niece and your young grandson will be spared many of life’s disappointments…Be kind to those you love, and the others? Don’t give them the thoughts they crave.
Warm hugs…from me to you.

Cinn honey,

Our thoughts and prayers are with you and the entire family.
We never fully understand the reasons for such things to happen, and I oft wonder if we fully knew the reasons would it make it any easier/better…. I will agree with Queenie, perhaps he shall be spared many of life’s disappointments.

We say goodbye to a person we love without wanting to. It doesn’t mean that we’ve stopped loving them. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.

Hugs

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Goofy Me

I am: an Air Force vet, Mom, sister, friend, Lifestyler, and all-around smartass with a heart of gold. I have lived all over the far East and learned many things about people and cooking, art and true value. I like to share my experience with the rest of the world. I will be the most loyal friend or most annoying enemy you've ever known. Honest to a fault. My life has not always been easy, but it has never ever been boring.

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