Love and Social Media
Posted on: June 18, 2016
I’ve written about this subject before. But as I live and learn, I find that people and the ways that they find to connect, never cease to amaze me. I speak from experience. There are many pluses and minuses to the “virtual” world of dating and meeting people. Sometimes, I think that the old fashioned ways of meeting people might be the best. But then I remember how many people from so many different places I would have never met if it weren’t for the “web”. Hell, I’ve started and ended as many relationships through the on-line world as I have in real life. Some, I still maintain today. Others were better left to the imagination. Seems that people don’t always turn out to be who you think and hope that they are when you finally meet in person. Some turn out to be better. And that’s probably why I continue to have hope.
Gone are the days of meeting the “guy or girl next door”. No more do we make sure that we look our best when going to church or the grocery store, because you might just run into the person of your dreams. Now we project our dreams about the perfect match into some stranger that’s sitting behind a computer screen…..just like we are. We’d all like to think that everyone is honest in their profiles and the pictures of themselves that they put on the dating sites. And for the most part; it doesn’t take long to figure out that the person that they are trying to sell isn’t necessarily the person that they really are. Let’s face it, we are all; for one or several reasons, someone else’s ex. Whether it was our fault, or the other persons…..we’re single and looking. The process of healing from a bad relationship can lead us to trying to learn from the mistakes of the past. But it can also prompt us to embellish the good parts about ourselves and run down the person that we are no longer with. The old saying about it “taking two to tango” is still very much true. Keeping in mind that every relationship will succeed or fail because of the two people involved in it might make us come to the conclusion that there are things about ourselves that we need to change. That can be a scary proposition if we aren’t ready to admit that we may have had a hand in a failed relationship. And unless you’ve been involved in an abusive relationship, that you thought you were helpless to get out of, but then did, there is enough blame to go around. My faults are many. Of that I have no doubt. I look at my failures and I can tell you why each and every one of them ended. I can honestly say that I fully participated in the demise. Not proud of that shit for sure. But I’ve tried to learn from the mistakes. Some lessons have stuck. Some mistakes I continue to make. My insecurities that were ingrained long ago still haunt me. Still make me second guess people’s intentions. If you are told for long enough that you aren’t pretty enough, or good enough, or smart enough…….you are going to believe that shit. So when someone tries to tell you that you are good enough, you’re not going to believe them. After a while, the other person gets tired of telling you. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You tank the relationship because of your own doubts and fears. You also erect walls that make it more difficult for anyone to breach….no matter how sincere they might be. But I digress.
Everyone puts forth their best face when starting an on-line friendship. We put our best pictures up. We say that we enjoy things that we hope will attract others. They aren’t lies per se. But they are what we wish and hope we could really be all about. But there are some people out there that are really good salespeople. They paint a picture of themselves that couldn’t possibly be true…..and isn’t. But some desperate dummy will come along and buy the hype. I see women on some of the biker dating sites that will do just about anything for attention. Put up pictures they definitely hope their mom or dad, let alone their kids would not see. And it doesn’t stop there. They go down the road of sexting and sending videos privately because a man will ask them to. Sad really. And men eat it up. A few kind words, or compliments to women and they have their own storehouse of porn rolling in. I don’t totally fault the women though. Oh no. We can excuse men for being men all day long, but that doesn’t take away the fact that they are, in one sense predators. They feed every woman the same bullshit. Give them the same compliments, hoping that it works the same on all of them. These guys are what I like to call “collectors”. They have many women on the line at one time. Saying things to give each one of them hope for something more than just and on-line relationship. Promising to meet one day. Telling the same lie about how they are different from other guys. That they are for real and they aren’t a player. And there’s still some of us dumbasses out here that believe it.
And here is where the whole online thing REALLY gets convoluted. That guy or woman that you meet online, starts to question you about the other sites that you might be on. The other pictures that you may have sent out to others. The very thing that brought you together in the first place, is now that the thing that drives the other person crazy. It’s as though they think you should have been some kind of “virgin”. And no matter how much you try to explain to them that you’re willing to delete the whole online persona that you’ve had, they don’t believe you. I have a friend going through this right now. What a mess that is.
Because the bottom line is: We all do want to believe. We all want to be special to someone. We all want to be part of a couple. A couple that other people are jealous of. We all want that long term, fun, secure, loyal person to be our partner. And so we throw our hearts out there. And sometimes throw our morals and common sense to the side. Hoping to make a connection that leads to something more than just a “hook up”.
“Build a better mouse trap and the world will beat a path to your door”. Sounds great, but I’d like to add: “build a better mouse trap……and someone will build a better mouse”. No matter how hard we try to protect our hearts from being broken, there is always going to be someone that goes the extra mile to win your trust, only to leave you broken and bewildered at the end of it. I sound jaded and cynical don’t I? I am. I fully admit it. Can’t count the number of times I’ve been down this road. Keeping the guard up is getting easier though. The problem with that is that it’s a lonely place. Never get hurt, but never have the love that I really want. Because I don’t trust anyone anymore. And that my friends…..is really sad.
Cinfulcinnamon's Blog 
June 18, 2016 at 3:49 pm
It is true that we are predators and just as true that you and other women are favored prey. It’s a “game” that has been playing since our race got upright and started procreating and while you’d think that here in the 21st century we’d be better at this, well, no – we aren’t – none of us are and trust went the way of the dodo before you and I were ever born, that and trust has always been fleeting and eye of the beholder kind of stuff.
We – me and my fellow predators – wouldn’t have to resort to sneaky, underhanded stuff if women weren’t so hell-bent on chasing an idea that comprises the perfect man and the perfect relationship… even though women, like men, are very aware of the realities involved: None of us are perfect,me can only be the best we can be (and that depends on who you’re talking to) and all too often someone’s best is never good enough.
I’m sure you’ve seen me write hundreds of times that what you (not you specifically) want is one thing and what can be acquired and dealt with something very different. Women don’t want to settle for less than what they want while men are made to settle for someone who, for the most part, will never really be on the same page with them and, really, too many men and women have stupidly long lists of what they’re not ever gonna do for things to work consistently; we let our past experiences influence future decisions and, sadly, we make the new person pay dearly for the “sins” committed by past persons. You (not you again) have some guy break your heart in some way and every man that comes along later is automatically expected to commit the exact same crime against you in some way.
It’s unfair… but who said life was ever fair to begin with?
Is the deception on anyone’s part necessary? In theory, it isn’t… but matters of the heart and of the flesh don’t give a damn about theory. Here’s the blunt truth and one you already know: If I wanted to take you to bed and be able to keep taking you to bed for as long as I can, you will put a lot of conditions on this; being the good predators we can be, it’s not like we don’t know what buttons to push in order to accomplish our goal. We also know that women hate it when we do this so they erect even more barriers and, in fact, make it harder for them to accomplish their goal, i.e., finding someone who will give a fuck about them and especially when sex isn’t on the table.
This vicious cycle has been around forever and nothing we’ve done since our existence has managed to break the cycle; deception gets no one nowhere, nor does the truth. We look for truth and honesty and hold them in very high esteem when, sometimes, what we need more of is hope and in the form that someone will take an interest in us and that we will be willing and able to play the cards being dealt to us. And then, if that wasn’t bad enough, we stupidly hold to the thought that once a relationship is established, it’s gonna take care of itself – and you can blame our increased need for instant gratification for this bit of insanity.
If you’re not willing to do ALL of the work that may be necessary to establish and maintain a relationship, then why bother? Why keep chasing a dream that one’s own behaviors will guarantee that the dream will never be realized? Yes, men take a lot of the blame and, sadly, justifiably so… but we are not the only guilty party here: Like you said, it still takes two to tango, doesn’t it?
If you – women – want us to be better predators, be better prey. If women didn’t make it so hard for us to be with them in any way, we wouldn’t have to lie and, yes, if we didn’t lie, you wouldn’t make doing this so damned hard to do.
And, seriously, at the end of any day, the only person you can really trust is yourself…